4 days left.

i refuse to let someone else's pettiness/ issues/ depression/ anger/ etc. to indirectly affect me and my happiness. i believe everyone has their days, even weeks, but i wont let you slide for a month on anything other than the loss of a CAREER or a death of someone near to you.
i'm not the confrontational type, but there's only so much that i can let go before you either get cussed out or simply cease to exist. both reactions usually result in a swift termination of friendship.
that's just how i feel. if people keep trying to bring me down with them, i wont get mad or depressed like others, i will simply get rid of the negative influence.
remember kids, you probably need me more than i need you.

back to studying....

its cold, its sunday, these are my thoughts.

i woke up this morning with a feeling of impending doom.
(mayb i watch too much greys)
it makes me want to lock myself in my room for the rest of the week without contact with the outside world.
times are changing in wonderful ways and its scary.
we have a black president and i just filled up my gas tank, from E to FULL, with 27 dollars. that has never happened in to me since i started driving.
mayb the myans were right an the world is going to end soon.
...idk.
all i know is if it is, i don't wanna waste time being depressed like my surroundings are influencing me to be.
carpe diem.

6 days till my birthday!

unfinished thoughts.

this post will probably only make sense to me...and that's ok.
i'm sick of the transition. i wanna be there already. if i cant be there then i wanna go back to where i was. i just don't like HERE. i've heard you shouldn't put all your eggs in one basket, but i don't want the other fish. pimpin' ain't easy my breezy. its amazing that something so unreal can have such an impact. its the power of an idea i guess. i spent all day gushing about love and in 2.5 seconds it turned into disgust. and then i remember that i'm supposed to love you. for those of you trying to understand me, don't. its not what it seems, it rarely is. unless you think i'm laughing at you, that might be true. why would i have cake if i couldn't eat it too? i'm over you on the inside, i just don't want to be over you deep down. i need to get over that. i was happy ALL day. i need to get these snacks on deck, but as much as i think i disserve them, i kinda don't want them. but i need birthday gifts. i think i need some PP too. dont try to guess those initials, you're guess is wrong. i'm not sure i'm the right one for the position but i kinda hope i am. unfortunately i'm tired of you but you're all i have to work with, so i grin and bare it knowing that i've done it before and that its only temporary. i expect too much.

had to add this!

my president is BLACK

Obama's speech ended minutes ago and i have tears in my eyes. Im proud of our country. we are ready for any and everything. today was a historic day that i am not going to forget. this is the first of many necessary changes.

YES WE CAN!!!!

HOW TO BE AN ARTIST

so today didn't exactly go as planned. stayed @ mii's till 12.30 am. left my cell phone in her bed and i didn't realize it. because of this, my alarm on my phone didn't go off and i woke up @ 10am for my 10am class. so i was 35 mins late to class. instead of stressing out all day, im gonna take this little glitch in my day as a sign that im gonna have an even better night.
good food, discount drinks, laughs & dancing? thats the way i like to spend my tuesday night. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TAYLOR & MIILEAH! thanx for giving me a reason to celebrate.

heres something random i found yesterday and didn't have time to post.
its called how to be an artist.

stay loose. learn to watch snails. plant impossible gardens. invite someone dangerous to tea. make little signs that say yes! and post them all over your house. make friends with freedom & uncertainty. look forward to dreams. cry during movies. swing as high as you can on a swingset,by moonlight. cultivate moods. refuse to "be responsible." do it for love. take lots of naps. give money away. do it now. the money will follow. believe in magic. laugh a lot. celebrate every gorgeous moment. take moonbaths. have wild imaginings, transformative dreams, and perfect calm. draw on the walls. read everyday. imagine yourself magic. giggle with children. listen to old people. open up. dive in. be free. bless yourself. drive away fear. play with everything. entertain your inner child. you are innocent. build a fort with blankets. get wet. hug trees. write love letters.

ying yang

lately i've been trying to find balance.
between simp & pimp.
between good & bad.
between nice & mean.
conform & stand out.
passive & aggressive.
and as always,
between wants & needs.

life runs smoothly when things are in balance.
it just takes the right amount of planning & energy.
i need to take the time to fit in walking the dog, class, homework, exercise, cooking, taylor, michael & brandon everyday.

over the past few years, i've become more complex. this is what has fueled my imbalance. as i grew out of my shyness and into a more self assured adult, ive begun to take risks. i've made mistakes and learned from them. some habits are hard to break. the next two years are going to be a challenge. but i have the motivation needed and if i play my cards right, i may have an added bonus for acting right.

i hope everyone else has the correct motivation to make it thru the day.
too many people are depressed, unhappy, and angry. cheer up! life's too short to waste time being negative!

deep convos, awkward moments, & nudity

those are the things that defined my last week.
boobs, bare ass, yelling, going hard, searching for gas, laughing till i cry, conversations on love lust & rape, going places i shouldn't go, clothes and runway walks, and lots of drinks.
its been a LOOOOOOONNNNNGGGGG week.
and I'm sure this one will be just as long.
I'm exhausted but i have to go to class.
right

now.

ttyl

refocus.

i FINALLY have internet again.
now i can order my mommy some flowers (or a plant) for her birthday.
i can do my homework.
i can order my books.
&& i can find solutions for all the random issues i need help with (mostly lola)
yay!
once i get my camera fixed, a mani/pedi, and my hair done, the universe will be back to regular rotation
this blog will be updated on a regular basis again! yay

without.

when im @ home, my wireless doesn't work, so i have to steal from my neighbor (thanx o'ryan!) and i was looking forward to coming back to my apt and being able to get on the internet on a regular basis. BUT of course that wasn't the case. the only person with internet is erin.
so on top of all the things LOLA has been destroying, i cant look up solutions to my problems. needless to say, i've been having a very rough first week of school.
i miss the few friends i spent time with over the summer. i miss my lover and my boobulah who keep me calm and sane!

i've been on edge. i have wanted to go hard on so many people, including friends, this past weekend. its a problem. so if i don't seem happy, stay out of my way, and don't make any smart remarks that you think i wont catch, because i will (i did.) and it may come back to kick your ass in the long run.

(you're so vain, i bet you think this blog is about you.)

ill be back when i get the internet again

blah.

not even back and its already started again. who am i gonna have to find to keep me from feeling alone this time?
i'm not trying to seclude myself, you're just never including me in anything. i'm gonna try to get better and not ignore you or purposely not including you just because you do it to me.

instead of complaining, im gonna spend time with my dog. im gonna work out. im gonna go to work. im gonna study.
we can continue to live so close but yet so far.

weekend.

GREAT weekend.
i didnt have to work
i went shopping
free slurpie day mission with michael (we went to @ least 5 7-11's in less than an hr)
burnt mission with erin & co.

thoughts on a wednesday.

Ii'm sick of right now. Is that bad? I'm just ready for some kind of future. I'm ready for graduation. A real job, one I can support myself with. I'm ready to be ready for love. And I understand that I can't skip over everything, but I'm ready to go 2 school in the fall and start being a cocktail waitress and having a new puppy to love. LA just seems so...unproductive. I'm not making enough money, half of my friends are flakes and most of the ppl I can get to see are the ones I can only take in small doses. One good thing is the block is back and I'm getting closer with one friend in particular.
Oh and I get a discount @ victorias secret (just cause I'm celibate doesn't mean I can't update my lingerie collection).
So until I'm on a plane back 2 the middle of lameville with my new puppy, I guess I should lay low and concentrate on not starting another situation to obsess over.
I need a new book to read. Any suggestions?

disappointment.

i'm ready to leave. i'm not gonna say i haven't been having fun, but overall i'm disappointed. i feel unproductive, my job sucks and i have horrible hrs. its not paying me enough. i need to pay for a dog and a trip to ny. plus, this city is reminding me of old disappointments, and i'm starting to think i have another one on the way if i don't leave soon. this is the product of me not having enough to do out here. i think too much. and im getting fat. i need to work on my patience. thats gonna be next years resolution.
i have a lot more to say, but i don't kno how to say it, or if i want to say it so i won't.
ciao!

oh! erin and i are going to have a garage sale soon and a few car washes so support us! thaaaanx

Happy 4th of July!

this has never been my favorite holiday, but in the past 2 years i've missed it! if u grew up with me than you remember the pool parties with the parents and the little kids (who are all in HIGH SCHOOL now) the water fights, tag, and of course the fireworks.
2 years ago i missed it because i was on a plane to Paris and last year kinda sucked. so this year we are gonna do it big, bbq, water fight, and i'm making peach blueberry cobbler!
hopefully i DONT have to go to work...but other than that it should be an awesome day!
you're welcome to come over and enjoy it with us, but don't come empty handed lol.