welcome back?

i couldnt stay away from blogger.
i missed you guys! lol
im considering coming back but its not for sure.
less than a week at home and less than 2 weeks till summer school and my apt with WIRELESS internet!!!!
hope everyone's finals are going / have gone well and that summer 2009 will be one to remember!

goodbye.

i'm leaving blogger.
i'm still gonna blog, just not at msellay.blogspot.com
email me @ ms.ellay@vzw.blackberry.net for more details.

its too early in the morning for this mess...

"Goonette" Trailer


i have no words to say about this...

again.

this hasn't happened to me in awhile.
actually i remember the last time it happened this way.
it was 2006,
early july.
and i'm still not really over THAT.
the internet is the worst way to find out bad news.
i guess this time its my fault.
i brought this upon myself in some way.
just hope that karma pays me back for this.
i don't want to be depressed again.
needless to say, today wasn't a good day.

i need some ice cream.

i'm me! who are you?

reflecting on the past few months i've come to realize that i've unconsciously been untrue to myself. i've been trying to stop cussing, tried to pretty much go back to the way i was when i was younger. but that's the point, i'm not a little girl. i say bad words, a lot. im not saying that i curse in church or around children, but sometimes nothing seems to get my thoughts across like a few curse words mixed in (ex. un-f***ing-believable). plus all my hype songs have curse words in it...have you ever heard the edited version of jay-z's ignorant sh*t? it sounds horrible. epic fail.
that's just an example of the ways i've been trying to censor myself.
the sad part is i've been altering my own wants and needs for years based on who i'm around, who i like, etc.
i mean its not always bad to alter a decision because of understanding someone elses view, like the tattoo i've wanted for like 6 years.
i'm terrified of needles but i still want it.
but someone made me rethink getting it ever. because they dont like/ want a tattoo.
they have some valid points, when i'm 50 will i still want this tattoo? but on the other hand, i want it in a place where when i'm 50, nobody will be seeing it (my hip ya nasties) but mayb ill just stick with my piercings and ill rethink it after i get my belly button pierced (whenever i work up the nerve to do that)

i refuse to conform to what other people want me to be.
i believe i have enough varied interests to get along with most people without compromising myself.
there are still things i want to learn to do and things i want to learn about, but i know myself.

i hope you know yourself too.

i find it sad that so many people compare themselves to others and doubt themselves so much. we need to stop trying to be what we arent. sure i have a million things i could change but i accepted these things early on and moved on. i wanna lose some weight so i work out. i have a sweet tooth so i bake. im cold and lonely so i get a dog. if there is no solution for your problems, stop stressing about it, that only creates more problems.
remember that just because one person doesn't find you smart, or attractive, or interesting, doesen't mean the rest of the world will agree with them. (the same goes for those who arent your cup of tea)
lets be true to ourselves in 2009, k?

ramblings.

i have so much to say and yet i dont feel like saying it.
im starting to feel like im censoring myself on my own blog and i dont wanna do that so im thinking about starting over with a new blog. maybe not.
happy earth day!
i really cant wait to go home in a month. if ur in LA and wanna hang out, hit me up because i always get mad when people flake on me and stop inviting people to chill.
as it is, i plan to spend my brief stay at the beach as much as possible (i got pale!) and i will def spend time with taylor, imelda, brandon, ashley, alisha, and chris.
im a go with the flow kinda person so dont assume im busy if u wanna chill.
as always im supposed to be writing a paper but i cant focus on sociological theory when i have things like twitter, fb, and blogger to distract me. im so glad i got my computer back tho.
well im rambling. ill post something deep when i finally finish this paper.

blog.

i kno i dont post all the time.
what i have to say isnt always interesting.
or nice.
or funny.
and it doesnt always come out right.
or make me look cool.
but this is me.
thats all ive ever been.
sometimes im more censored and sometimes im less censored.
sometimes my days are so full that i have no time to blog.
other times my days are so boring, i have nothing to blog about.
im sorry if you followed me expecting something different.
i blog for my benefit and not yours.
i still love you tho!

updates.

its over.
i didnt win.
im not that sad.
i faced my fears and put myself out there and that's more than i can say for most people.
i appreciate everyones words of encouragement and the things people did to help.
even if it makes me sound like a diva or self absorbed, i did it mostly by myself.
of course my family did what they could, my campaign members helped here and there, and of course mariaah was the biggest help of all.
if you want something done you have to do it yourself tho. im not going to be bitter. just honest.
it was a learning experience. it reminded me that it is always especially true that whatever can go wrong will and that when it rains, it pours.
apparently i have an attitude problem. not much i can say about that at this point.
moving on.


time for a new project. as always im going to work on myself. im going to work on clothing design, school, and prepare for home.

first matter of new business is to address an issue that seems to be growing in the community.
luckily i haven't been a victim of this type of crime, but i've heard of it enough to feel the need to address it.
guys (or girls who get down like that, i don't judge), when did it become cool to BITE it? i'm not talking about a nibble....im talking about that full on "nom nom nom" action. again, i have not been a victim of this but i have friends who have and now that i'm aware of it i hear it in songs tout le temps.
i never noticed it or heard of it happening until i moved down hear so mayb its a southern thing. recently i was asked if they could "bite it", i promptly said no (because that is not appealing and i'm celibate).
why would you want to?
who is giving this advice? would you guys like it if we went on a chomping spree?
didnt think so, so just take my advice.
thank you for your time.

more to come soon

this has been a public service announcement.

5am

So its 5:30 in the morning (que mariaah singing pretty ricky...) and not only am I awake, I'm also out the house and in the car. This is about to be routine for the rest of the weekend. * but don't you need to be ready for campaign week?* thanx for remembering! Why yes. Campaign week kicks off sunday night. At midnight. Th
at means I will be up and out the house from 4:30am till like 3:00am and
then I have class at 9:20 the next day. Sounds like
fun Rii?...not really. So if I don't blog for the next week, don't be alarmed...yet. If I'm not on twitter either, I may have killed myself. Jk

calm.

there is always a brief period during these extremely stressful times when i stop being stressed. {to an extent of course}
with so much going on, how am i supposed to decide what should stress me the most? to prioritize my stress just sounds silly and i refuse to do it so i will just have to brush it all off. im still concerned with everything, but sometimes there is too much thinking and not enough doing. so im not gonna exclusively concentrate on school, or boys, or the campaign, or friends, or any issues with the law i run into. im not gonna censor myself to make you or you or you happy.
this is my blog and i do what i want.
and dont you forget it.
all i gotta do is stay alive, take care of my dog, and deal with one thing at a time. {mayb two, i like to multitask}
in two weeks i can go back to normal. win or lose life goes on.
but im not gonna change because someone says i should. ive worked hard to get to where i am, and although im not perfect, i like the path im on.
so please dont get in my face with petty things.
if you aint part of the solution, your part of the problem, right?

waiting.

i've decided that i'm not gonna wait around for people anymore. im sick of being stood up by friends, associates, dates, etc. i live my life with the knowledge that if you wont do it someone else will and i shouldnt make exceptions for anyone. so if you dont wanna call me, dont. it never takes long to replace you. if you have other plans or dont wanna do something with me, say so. dont waste either one of our time by being passive and acting like you wanna go. it doesnt do either one of us any good and we end up resenting each other. all im asking is that you be as real with me as im trying to be with you. if i feel like this isnt working, i will tell you. and if i dont feel like going to the club with you tonight, i wont lie. so please spare me the same courtesy. im sick of being understanding to people who seem to be understanding to everyone but me. mayb im being paranoid. but experience has taught me that the people who i dont think like me, rarely do. so if u wanna keep me around, prove it. leave the fake in 2008.

how can i sleep...

a day like today followed by a night like tonight?
so i ran around all day.
had a million unnecessary calls...
decided to go out with my twin...always a good idea.
get to this club....turns out instead of 21+ its more like 40+.
try to get a lemondrop martini...girl suggests a pineapple martini instead...i cant taste any alcohol. try to leave and get harassed by this man with SEVERE HALITOSIS. i mean it was like this man ate poo for dinner. ugh. and he kept talking to us for like 20 mins....we finally leave and go to this kappa party.
the kappa party is so lame. i missed the memo about wearing red/white. people are wearing linen summer white on a rainy day in feb like its alright. patent pleather WHITE boots. pocket sized men. 1 free strong ass long island. and then i find out that the guy i have been letting entertain me is with the biggest slut i kno.



awesome. the sluts win again.

we finally leave. its raining. we decide to call it a night.
i drop off my twin and call B. then i get pulled over and almost get a DUI.
yes. A DUI.
that would make 2 tickets in 4 days, a trip to jail, and no more driving.

thank goodness the lord wouldn't put me thru THAT much in one week and the guy let me off. i was scared out of my mind tho. hope everyone else had an eventful friday...

sigh.

i hate feeling like this.
ive exausted myself trying to keep from crying all day.
i hate crying and i refuse to do it.
stress is no fun.

murphy's law.

of course this has been the month from hell. im so glad its almost over.
i dont feel like going over the entire month of feb and everything that went wrong. the point is, ive had a test or two everyday since last thurs. i wasnt prepared for my tests. my campaign is in less than 2 weeks and im not ready because i cant find antwan hamilton. anyways. i was on my way to take my test last night. it was scheduled for 6.25pm. i was speeding more than usual because i had a lot on my mind and wasnt paying attention. i ended up getting a ticket & court date for may 6th (when i was planning to be home for the summer) because i was going 81 in a 55. super. fail.
because of the ticket, i was late for my test and i forgot everything that was on it. awesome.
but luckily when everything goes wrong, GOD lets something go right and since im just THAT awesome i came up with a way to pay for the $145 ticket as well as the class. im not gonna explain that one. all i can say is it aint trickin if u got it.
today started a new slew of issues. but im too tired to deal with them all. just kno that for the next two weeks im gonna be at my breaking point. inspirational blogs will be appreciated. hope all is going well for all my faithful readers

YAY!

so one of my FAV blogs to read is just lia. she has amazing quotes, great links, and she's honest. her blog is one of the first ones i check. so please try to imagine my excitement about a min ago when i notice that she has a link for my blog on her blog! omg! she knows i exist! its like if a celeb had YOUR # stored in their phone. idk im geeked.


...haha i'm just being a dork.
is it sad that that just made my day?

lets put some perspective on it.

i used to have a team. a group of people who i could vent to about my life and come up with the best solution for the situations i always get myself into. there was more than one because, lets be honest i NEVER share all my sides to just ONE person. anyways if one person wasn't right for the situation the other 2 would be. i have enough friends that when one fell off, i could mold someone else to fill the void. generally it was always the one space that was temporary. Brandon and Ashley remain the same and it was that third person who remained in rotation.
somehow i lost that.
i barely talk to ashley or brandon. (nothing happened, just life. i live 3,000 mi away so life happens) the people who have held the temporary position have moved on with their lives and found a new job.
but my life isnt getting less unnecessary. esp with this campaign coming in 3 weeks.
im freakin out.
Taylor is halfway MIA and i haven't spoken to (or AIMed, or Emailed, or Text) Michael in at least a month. im starting to freak out.
i think thats why i tried to reach out to people i banned myself from contacting.
luckily GOD is looking out for my well being.
Person A* that im not allowed to speak to recently deleted his myspace. im not aware of a FB and not bold or desperate enough for a phone call.
Person B* has turned off the text msg ability on their phone. no FB and i kno they dont check their myspace.
that leaves me with...
Person C* this is probably the one who is best for my well being. they responded to my email. and restored hope and also opened my mind to scary possibilities. i kno im the only person who loves person C as much as i do and i kno that person C has my best interest in mind. they are not materialistic or trying to sleep with me. ive known them my entire life, even if it wasn't as well as i could. still. i gave person A and person B more than one chance and yet person C is rarely ever afforded one chance. they are not bad because of their character, they simply make the wrong choices and deal with the wrong people. if they can survive this, we can come out stronger.


*names have been changed

btw i had a bunch of tests and my computer wasn't working so sorry i've been MIA. was this on topic?

what a concept.

some people are good concepts. yes i meant concepts. they look great on paper and seem to have great attributes to comment on, but the actual application doesn't quite work. on the other hand, there are people who aren't such a great concept. you stumble when trying to come up with some standard good qualities to talk about, and yet they work.
i've been roped into a few concepts in the past.
the guy who had good grades in high school, played sports, nice car, and a good job. he is really a jerk with confusing motives and even more confusing conversation. sure he's cute enough but why settle for cute enough without the personality?
there is the friend who seems to have it all. cute clothes, looks put together, boys chasing after her, and funny. but then you look a little deeper and notice all these traits that dont work in friendship... insecure, jealous of you based off that insecurity, a little crazy, lying, and whoring herself out. its like there was a double life and you didnt kno there was another person under that mask.
am i talking about someone specific? of course. all my insights are based off of experience. but there are more than one experiences coming into play here.
the good thing is, after you get over the concepts, you start to appreciate the people who aren't concepts. those friends who don't seem to have it all together, the guys who are still working on themselves.
too often we are looking for people to fit these concepts that society tells us we need in our lives.
its not that simple.
personally its the quirky ones that make me happiest. its the people who don't pretend to have it all together that i find are the realest. they aren't so concerned with the image they project and instead are concerned with being true to themselves. the ones who look good on paper are just like paper; 2 dimensional and at the first sign of resistance, they fly away.

love of my life.

so i was chillin at home (enjoying the itis i gave myself from lunch) when i get a random call from my ex. he always seems to call me around holidays...Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentines day, 4th of July, etc. i'm not a rude person so i humor the conversation. turns out it was worth it. i found my new true love. the NEW 2012 mustang that is supposed to come out. its soooo sexy...here's a pic



this is my motivation for good grades. mayb i can convince someone to buy this for me when i graduate...

valentines day set

here are some essentials for the big day i put together on polyvore when i was bored...


Valentines day necessities - by ms_ellay on Polyvore.com

sappy ish.

i miss being honest with you. i hate that i can't be 100% honest with just anyone and i can't talk to you anymore. i kno i'm a big girl and can get thru these things all by myself, but for once its about what i want. and deep down i want you. i hope you read this. if not, im just happy i got it out in the universe. thats what a blog is for right?
besides, im allowed to be a sap this close to valentines day.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRIS!!!

yay ur finally 20!
hpe ur out having fun on ur birthday! (really hope u didnt actually forget ur birthday)

im sure most of you guys are friends with C.Jervis so don't forget to hit him up and tell him Happy Birthday!!!

love love love.

although i don't have a valentine (since Erin doesn't wanna b my valentine) i still love the holiday. i really just like all holidays. i love to celebrate. boys are stupid but it doesn't mean that with some guidance they cant be good for something on this holiday. so remember boys, it really is the thought that counts. balloons, flowers, cards, candy. all of these simple cheap things can brighten someones valentines day. who knows, you might get lucky with the right combo/girl. for those of you who aren't going to give into the holiday, there will be plenty of things for anti-valentines day people. and for those of you who are alone but still want to be all sentimental, round up your single friends and have a movie night with snacks and desserts! i don't kno what i'm gonna get into for valentines day, but i'm young, single, and its on the weekend so anything is possible. eh now i'm rambling like always so i better do some work. happy Sunday!

impatient.

i don't kno about anyone else but one of my biggest pet peeves is when people are flakes. it really pisses me off. i may be late, but i always go to the places i say i will. i don't understand why people make plans and then don't even consider letting someone kno that they changed their mind. its an issue. its happening way to often and it needs to be addressed. i'm not talking about saying you're going to a party, i mean those one on one meetings and outings with friends that you just never show up for. all of a sudden you forgot how to answer the phone and cant be reached while that person is waiting on you. i understand that we all have emergencies, we lose phones, and situations arise where we cant be where we need to, but if this is something you are doing on a regular basis, mayb you should think about why you keep doing it. because the people you leave waiting for no good reason wont wait forever, soon you wont be invited because they figure you will just not show up...the point is don't think you're irreplaceable. because i have replaced too many people to kno that you aren't.

sorry.

i kno i should post more often but im not much of a writer.
i always have random moments in conversation when i say (usually to myself), "im gonna blog about this" and then by the time i get home, i forgot what i wanted to say. or i have lots of random things i wanna talk about and i never kno where to start so i just read other blogs and forget to post. so for those of you other bloggers/readers who check in from time to time to see if i posted anything meaningful, sorry. i always have a million thoughts running thru my mind and cant pick one to write about.... thats why a lot of my posts are so late, i cant ever sleep cause i think too much. antyways...if you have any random topics you wanna kno my opinion on, just ask cause i love to talk about random stuff.
btw thanx for the get well comments! im feeling better! yay! now i just gotta work on my campaign...

blame it on the....Nyquil & Tylenol

i hate being sick.
my brain is cloudy and i can barely type.
its taking to long to make this post make sense.
turning my attn back to the easy to comphrehend cartoons.
g'nite.

ahhhhhh!

im stressed out and its only tues!
im sorry if you hit me up (jervis) and i dont respond, ive lost the energy for common conversation, plus ive been either in class or doing school related things till 9 pm for the past few days.
between having a broken shower, attempting to start a club, trying (not hard enough apparently) to get my campaign together, awkward moments in my own place of residence, papers, reading, & other random homework, and a lack of communication with the people i rely on to keep me sane has ran me pretty low.
i will survive, but i might not be so nice during this transition.

the motto for right now is:
"it will all be alright in the end. if its not alright, then its not the end."

if anyone wants to help (i.e. do some brainstorming for my campaign, send money for it, help me with my homework, etc. etc.) i promise i won't oppose you lol

i dare you....

try one of these next time you get in the elevator....
1) When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the
shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back
for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what
floor your on.
5) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let
the doors close, and say, “Hi Greg. How’s your day been?”
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream,
“That’s mine!”
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they
have an appointment.
9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they
can hear ticking.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and
exits with the passengers.
12) Ask, “Did you feel that?”
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay, don’t panic,
they open again!”
15) Swat at flies that don’t exist.
16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
17) Call out, “Group Hug!” and then enforce it.
18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, “Shut up,
all of you, just shut up!”
19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, “Got
enough air in there?”
20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without
getting off.
21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, “Your
one of THEM!” and back away slowly.
22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, “I have
new socks on”.
26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
passengers, “This is MY personal space!”

what do you believe?

i love checking postsecret on sundays.
but i lowkey love this site just as much.
http://tellmewhatyoubelievenow.com/

its the weekend.

i Love lazy saturdays. esp. when they follow a great night like last night.
my twin and i WON. if you dont kno what that means, sorry. lol.
we beat the system and got in for free instead of paying $20.
this man kept buying us drinks, 5 drinks in the game and i could barely keep my balance.
hot guys. ballers. hot ballers. and a couple of nice guys to walk us to the car.
remember kids. the best cure for simpin' is pimpin'.
then i woke up around noon, made breakfast, and then caught up on my fav shows greys anatomy and nip tuck.
ahhh
all is right in the world again.
now its time to get back to my campaign.
oh and homework i guess.

Young, Black, and Fabulous

Young, Black, and Fabulous

Posted using ShareThis

Girlie things. yuk

i dont understand girls. yes i know i am a girl.
i dont act like a regular girl tho. i kno every girl says this but ask a guy who knows me and he will agree.
but every now and then my girl side kicks in. no, im not saying im bloody. gross.
this is one of those days.
reason is out the window.
cant help my actions & reactions.
illogical.
its like i kno i shouldn't do stuff and i do it anyways. like an out of body xperience.
i blame fallopian tubes. they're acting without consulting my brain.
im liable to do something dangerous.
start a fight.
fall in love.
i need to get off the internet and try not to txt/call anyone i would regret contacting in the morning.
peace

it aint trickin if you got it.

so this weekend i was a complete laze.
i got a few things accomplished tho
i FINALLY unpacked.
i pseudo reorganized my room/closets.
had some friends over.
and watched the other boleyn girl with my roommate.
the movie had me thinking about some things.
as much as i love the romantic ideas that stemmed from this era as well as the lavish fashions, the concept of being a second class citizen was blowin my mind.
the idea of not being able to marry whom you want, and if you are able to marry who you want, you can be forced to have sex with another man by some other mann and then you have to talk about it in front of all these men?!?! woah!
its crazy what women were forced to do back then. you could try to go after the power or after love and neither one could be the path that you are allowed to continue down.
i know so many girls who are gold diggers on the low. it sounds so appealing but i've never felt right using guys for money.
as nice as new clothes, trips, and money seem, i'm not gonna have sex for power. im celibate so im not having sex for anything. lol
if it works for you, go for it.
as for me, im happy with providing for myself, working and making my own money.
if a nice guy wants to take me out to eat, who am i to deny him? lol but im not gonna pick my guys based off of material things. it rarely ends well.
well im rambling and i have class in the morning
so im gonna leave you with another youtube video.

saturday foolishness

this is just sad. im probably wrong for posting this but you know i can't experience this by myself....poor pillow. smh.

null - Watch more free videos
i got it from http://youknowyoudeadazzwrong.blogspot.com

im back.

sorry ive been MIA....thats kinda how it goes when i go home sometimes. my dad broke my plug for my computer so not only would it not hold a charge, it could barely get one. the break was busy and not as fun as i would have liked it to have been. i didnt spend nearly enough quality time with the people i care about or shopping so i only slightly raised my happiness level. i was able to make a video blog with taylor a few weeks ago so go check his blog for those over at

i missed my flight on my way back because of missing keys which i found last night (yes i somehow brought them with me to nashville).

with the new semester and the new year things are changing and i hope for the good.
unfortunately for some i may forgive but i dont forget so even though people are clearly making a valid effort to change some circumstances, things will never be the same between us.

on the other side of things, i kinda wanna take a step back with someone and i dont know how to do it. its not that they did anything wrong, they are always their honest loving self, i just think that we arent what the other one needs at the moment. and it sucks.

im trying really hard not to curse any more and im trying to be healthier in every aspect. i hope everyone had a merry Christmas, a happy new year, and that school starts off the right way.
time for me to host a meeting. ttyl